I felt the need this morning to provide an update.
I felt the need to write this, and while I liked the idea of a single post on one of my social media accounts it would result in me having to copy it across so that the right people would read it.
I felt a while ago that I should get into the whole Substack newsletter thing, and that is when I remembered I already have something like that – this blog.
I felt a lot this morning, so I decided I’d write an update and let you know where I am, where I stand, and hopefully indicate where I might go next.
Family and friends and followers across the world wide web and in real life will know that I am in Korea, and I’ve been back since January 2021. There has been a bit of moving around, but all in all, we’ve done ok. As a family, we’ve overcome a few things and moved on with others. We are still here, heads above water, and doing what we can. We’ve been based in Songdo for the past year and half, and before that we were in Jumunjin – herself’s hometown and the place we got married around 15 years ago. When we were there, I mostly worked online and made the most of the different time zones so that I could fit in as much work as I could. Now, I’m back on solid ground with work and I teach in what’s called a Branch Campus of a foreign university. None of these things are secrets, so have a search around if you know who I am and you can find out the details.
The biggest update really has to do with my doctorate. You may be aware, I started a Doctor of Education around *()&(^£%%$ years ago with University of Glasgow. Despite a few bumps, ups and downs, burnouts, and all the other euphemisms I’m still at it and working towards completing it by the end of this year. What this means is that I’ve submitted my final draft, completed the oral exam or Viva, and I am now working through what they’ve described as amendments of substance. This requires two big changes to the submitted draft, and a number of smaller additions. Honestly, I’m not unhappy with this result, but I am a bit tired and I really do look forward to completing. The changes requested will improve the dissertation, and I hope from there it will equip me to move ‘onward and upward’ to what I cannot tell you, because I don’t know. But I’ll work it out.
When I started out in the EdD in 2015, the fantastic Margery McMahon, who is now Head of the school, told the class group of perhaps 40 people that the EdD would be transformative. I know that the group has slowly simmered down in enthusiasm but I still believe around 20 of us have graduated or will graduate (me!?) as Doctors of Education. Transformative is really an understatement, and especially after the past few years since Covid-19 and my family’s move to Korea. I can say wholeheartedly that I no longer see with the same eyes. My experience completing my dissertation has cut me deep into the marrow of my bones and extracted something I did not know existed, and with this it fashioned some class of resilience and desire which many don’t attribute to me. With this I found the guile and the wherewithal to learn more about myself and return to complete my dissertation in flurry of dust as I deposited the finalised document at the very last minute (in typical fashion). And then, I had to prepare again, and prepare again, and this has led me to where I am now. Patience and perseverance were not on the brochure or website when I considered this pathway, but I am glad they were not because then I would probably have found I needed other attributes.
I will write about my dissertation another time as I only want to report on what it has done to me, and give you an idea of where I am. Physically, I am in one piece, but less so emotionally. When I finally finished the draft that was submitted, I felt a wave of relief explode within me. I felt the guilt for not reading or writing lifting off me, and I screamed out loud in agony and ecstasy. In the days and weeks which followed, I enjoyed watching crap on television, playing games, guiltlessly swiping like a fiend on my phone. I also tried other more sensible stuff like spending time with family, sleeping normally, and even trying to do a better job in work. I felt I had left so much behind in that past 12 months and more, and it was time to try to catch up in some manner.
One of the first achievements I celebrated was reading and finishing a book purely for pleasure. It was Ai Weiwei’s autobiography which my Dad had sent to me for Christmas. As enjoyable and interesting as the book was (and it is!), the appetite with which I devoured it and other books was what took me by surprise. Honestly, I thought that I could not read any more and that my brain had collapsed or something, but I was quite wrong thankfully. I am not sure when I last read for pleasure, but lately I have been very keen and active to continue trying. It’s such a small and simple thing, I think, but for years I was weighed down with guilt that I should be reading something ‘important’, or if I tried to read on the couch or on the bus, I would fall asleep because my brain just relaxed completely. You can take it now that I have been catching up on a lot of reading over the past few months, and it has been absolutely joyful.
One book which I began reading but have yet to complete is Atomic Habits. It was recommended to me, so I withdrew it from the library (yes, my area has lots of English library books so that is making reading easier and cheaper!). The idea of forcing a habit interested me, and I tried to think about what I used to do habitually as defined in the book. The book is clever in that it leads you to realise the areas you know you can work on. It kind of maintains that you should not try to run that 10km on the first day, but perhaps take a jog around the block, interspersed with walks and phone-check breaks, of course. I thought, I can do this at least, so one morning I woke up early enough and I went for a walk at a measured pace. Songdo is full of long parks that are ideal for walking and as I plodded through on a rainy Saturday, something clicked. It came to me that walking was not something new to me, but it had been missing for quite some time. I think perhaps March 2020 is a good timestamp on this.
When I worked in Dublin I took the bus across the city to UCD. I would often walk along the street until a bus came close and then I would board it at the nearest stop. This actually meant that I would walk at least two or three kilometres through the city centre before a suitable bus would arrive. When I left work, I would walk down to Ranelagh along the route of the 11 bus because the wait would usually be 15 minutes at the stop. I knew that the bus would get lodged in traffic and walking would be quicker. In winter, sitting on a sweaty, humid bus inching through traffic is one of the things I really dislike, and if its dry enough or mild enough to walk I see that as a better alternative. Couple all this activity with the fact that I taught in a school or college or university, or whatever you want to call it, which means that I was on my feet all day long. I was pretty active. When Covid-19 meant locked down schools, that meant I didn’t need to commute, and I had a few extra hours a day to myself in the morning and afternoon. However, while I was in love with all the time I now had to myself which I did not have to donate to commuting, I lost out on something I didn’t realise had its own importance.
Walking, I have since remembered, is fine for exercise and mobility. I’m pretty heavy nowadays, but walking gets the heartrate up and I’ve started to feel some other physical benefits. More significantly, walking lets me think, daydream, ponder, play, wonder, and hope. My many walks to and from work and everywhere else have always been without earphones or music. I love to listen to the sounds, hear the city, hear the world, but this also lets me think away about so many different and insignificant things. I say it lets me play and daydream too, and this is something I need as much as I can get.
I thought about other things I had done which I knew I could do, but perhaps I had lapsed in recently. I have been drawing regularly throughout my doctorate and have found it helpful for my moods, relaxation, and general creative expression. I still take photos, but mostly on my phone and while I’d really love to use my DSLR regularly again, I’m put off by the bulk of it. There’s no way that I could justify the expense of buying a new, more compact camera, when I don’t see myself finding the time or making the time to use it. I’m satisfied with my phone for now, and when the time comes I can try with a proper camera then. I thought again, and I knew that the answer was writing.
I have essentially written a book, because that is the length of my doctoral dissertation. But it’s not a book, it’s a dissertation. I cautiously say that it’s kind of homework, or an exam, but it’s a bit more detailed than that. There has been no lack of writing from me, including in my work and in other areas, but what has been absent has been writing creatively. Be it poetry, short story, or even a blog, very little has happened for me for a long time. To remedy this, I took a notebook and promised myself and then later tried to force myself to write a single page each day. It started slow, and the pages soon were missed or only had pages explaining why I was sorry I hadn’t written. Gradually, the words changed and the topics began to take better shape as they approached the issues I wanted to reach into, to explore, and mostly to play with. To coincide with this, I was reading more and I was gradually finding ideas and ways of toying with words as I tried to nudge and mould them into the meaning I wanted them to form. Even more so, the single page extended to two pages, or even four, but always a full page at the very least. I expanded and started to type episodes which I wanted to reflect on into my ipad, and soon I started to have other ideas related to my EdD but which I could write about in a voice which mattered to me. It felt that I could talk out ideas again and not wait for them to break ground like some kind of feeble seedling which could be trampled on or washed away as easily as it could grow freely into a tree. I think that is what brings me to where I am right now, as I try to finish my update, or at least warily approach the tentative conclusion.
This morning after I tied my shoes and pulled my cap over my head, I left my home and took the lift downstairs. As I walked out, I browsed Instagram and its algorithm presented me with a reel by a cognitive behavioural therapist who posts short tips and explainers about how to overcome daily challenges (Follow her on Instagram @mindviewcliniccbt. I find her words helpful and she gives practical advice that is relevant to me, so I watched the video. I have not mentioned it in this update but things have been emotionally tough moving to Korea, finishing the doctorate, adapting to new jobs, and the general life changing lack of certainly caused by Covid-19, and behaviours of mine have become exaggerated. I exhibit signs of anxiety as well of having low moods, among other challenges. In the post I watched, the lady spoke about how to begin to overcome difficulties by thinking back to a time when you did not feel this way, and try to remember what it was you did then which helped you feel differently. Sometimes, it was explained, that because of whatever reasons we can deprive ourselves of things which we felt were important, and by important this would mean important to us. By bringing in the things which once gave us joy or value we can slowly build back our sense of self.
This clicked quite neatly with the tips I had taken from Atomic Habits. I came to a quick realisation that I had, perhaps accidentally but with the help of some thinking and reading, reached a better place by slowly engaging with actions or behaviours which had been of importance to me. The place I’ve found myself is now which sees me trying to rediscover myself a little bit so that I can be more like the individual I felt comfortable with before. As the reel said, these steps are just ways to begin to improve your mood, but I see them as wholly possible and realistic.
With that in mind, it is quite possible that you may read more blogposts in the coming future.
If I had a minute to spare... 