An Update – Finalising my Doctorate and Rediscovering myself.

I felt the need this morning to provide an update.

I felt the need to write this, and while I liked the idea of a single post on one of my social media accounts it would result in me having to copy it across so that the right people would read it.

I felt a while ago that I should get into the whole Substack newsletter thing, and that is when I remembered I already have something like that – this blog.

I felt a lot this morning, so I decided I’d write an update and let you know where I am, where I stand, and hopefully indicate where I might go next.

Family and friends and followers across the world wide web and in real life will know that I am in Korea, and I’ve been back since January 2021. There has been a bit of moving around, but all in all, we’ve done ok. As a family, we’ve overcome a few things and moved on with others. We are still here, heads above water, and doing what we can. We’ve been based in Songdo for the past year and half, and before that we were in Jumunjin – herself’s hometown and the place we got married around 15 years ago. When we were there, I mostly worked online and made the most of the different time zones so that I could fit in as much work as I could. Now, I’m back on solid ground with work and I teach in what’s called a Branch Campus of a foreign university. None of these things are secrets, so have a search around if you know who I am and you can find out the details.

Lovely Songdo…

The biggest update really has to do with my doctorate. You may be aware, I started a Doctor of Education around *()&(^£%%$ years ago with University of Glasgow. Despite a few bumps, ups and downs, burnouts, and all the other euphemisms I’m still at it and working towards completing it by the end of this year. What this means is that I’ve submitted my final draft, completed the oral exam or Viva, and I am now working through what they’ve described as amendments of substance. This requires two big changes to the submitted draft, and a number of smaller additions. Honestly, I’m not unhappy with this result, but I am a bit tired and I really do look forward to completing. The changes requested will improve the dissertation, and I hope from there it will equip me to move ‘onward and upward’ to what I cannot tell you, because I don’t know. But I’ll work it out.

When I started out in the EdD in 2015, the fantastic Margery McMahon, who is now Head of the school, told the class group of perhaps 40 people that the EdD would be transformative. I know that the group has slowly simmered down in enthusiasm but I still believe around 20 of us have graduated or will graduate (me!?) as Doctors of Education. Transformative is really an understatement, and especially after the past few years since Covid-19 and my family’s move to Korea. I can say wholeheartedly that I no longer see with the same eyes. My experience completing my dissertation has cut me deep into the marrow of my bones and extracted something I did not know existed, and with this it fashioned some class of resilience and desire which many don’t attribute to me. With this I found the guile and the wherewithal to learn more about myself and return to complete my dissertation in flurry of dust as I deposited the finalised document at the very last minute (in typical fashion). And then, I had to prepare again, and prepare again, and this has led me to where I am now. Patience and perseverance were not on the brochure or website when I considered this pathway, but I am glad they were not because then I would probably have found I needed other attributes.

I will write about my dissertation another time as I only want to report on what it has done to me, and give you an idea of where I am. Physically, I am in one piece, but less so emotionally. When I finally finished the draft that was submitted, I felt a wave of relief explode within me. I felt the guilt for not reading or writing lifting off me, and I screamed out loud in agony and ecstasy. In the days and weeks which followed, I enjoyed watching crap on television, playing games, guiltlessly swiping like a fiend on my phone. I also tried other more sensible stuff like spending time with family, sleeping normally, and even trying to do a better job in work. I felt I had left so much behind in that past 12 months and more, and it was time to try to catch up in some manner.

One of the first achievements I celebrated was reading and finishing a book purely for pleasure. It was Ai Weiwei’s autobiography which my Dad had sent to me for Christmas. As enjoyable and interesting as the book was (and it is!), the appetite with which I devoured it and other books was what took me by surprise. Honestly, I thought that I could not read any more and that my brain had collapsed or something, but I was quite wrong thankfully. I am not sure when I last read for pleasure, but lately I have been very keen and active to continue trying. It’s such a small and simple thing, I think, but for years I was weighed down with guilt that I should be reading something ‘important’, or if I tried to read on the couch or on the bus, I would fall asleep because my brain just relaxed completely. You can take it now that I have been catching up on a lot of reading over the past few months, and it has been absolutely joyful.

One book which I began reading but have yet to complete is Atomic Habits. It was recommended to me, so I withdrew it from the library (yes, my area has lots of English library books so that is making reading easier and cheaper!). The idea of forcing a habit interested me, and I tried to think about what I used to do habitually as defined in the book. The book is clever in that it leads you to realise the areas you know you can work on. It kind of maintains that you should not try to run that 10km on the first day, but perhaps take a jog around the block, interspersed with walks and phone-check breaks, of course. I thought, I can do this at least, so one morning I woke up early enough and I went for a walk at a measured pace. Songdo is full of long parks that are ideal for walking and as I plodded through on a rainy Saturday, something clicked. It came to me that walking was not something new to me, but it had been missing for quite some time. I think perhaps March 2020 is a good timestamp on this.

When I worked in Dublin I took the bus across the city to UCD. I would often walk along the street until a bus came close and then I would board it at the nearest stop. This actually meant that I would walk at least two or three kilometres through the city centre before a suitable bus would arrive. When I left work, I would walk down to Ranelagh along the route of the 11 bus because the wait would usually be 15 minutes at the stop. I knew that the bus would get lodged in traffic and walking would be quicker. In winter, sitting on a sweaty, humid bus inching through traffic is one of the things I really dislike, and if its dry enough or mild enough to walk I see that as a better alternative. Couple all this activity with the fact that I taught in a school or college or university, or whatever you want to call it, which means that I was on my feet all day long. I was pretty active. When Covid-19 meant locked down schools, that meant I didn’t need to commute, and I had a few extra hours a day to myself in the morning and afternoon. However, while I was in love with all the time I now had to myself which I did not have to donate to commuting, I lost out on something I didn’t realise had its own importance.

Walking, I have since remembered, is fine for exercise and mobility. I’m pretty heavy nowadays, but walking gets the heartrate up and I’ve started to feel some other physical benefits. More significantly, walking lets me think, daydream, ponder, play, wonder, and hope. My many walks to and from work and everywhere else have always been without earphones or music. I love to listen to the sounds, hear the city, hear the world, but this also lets me think away about so many different and insignificant things. I say it lets me play and daydream too, and this is something I need as much as I can get.

I thought about other things I had done which I knew I could do, but perhaps I had lapsed in recently. I have been drawing regularly throughout my doctorate and have found it helpful for my moods, relaxation, and general creative expression. I still take photos, but mostly on my phone and while I’d really love to use my DSLR regularly again, I’m put off by the bulk of it. There’s no way that I could justify the expense of buying a new, more compact camera, when I don’t see myself finding the time or making the time to use it. I’m satisfied with my phone for now, and when the time comes I can try with a proper camera then. I thought again, and I knew that the answer was writing.

I have essentially written a book, because that is the length of my doctoral dissertation. But it’s not a book, it’s a dissertation. I cautiously say that it’s kind of homework, or an exam, but it’s a bit more detailed than that. There has been no lack of writing from me, including in my work and in other areas, but what has been absent has been writing creatively. Be it poetry, short story, or even a blog, very little has happened for me for a long time. To remedy this, I took a notebook and promised myself and then later tried to force myself to write a single page each day. It started slow, and the pages soon were missed or only had pages explaining why I was sorry I hadn’t written. Gradually, the words changed and the topics began to take better shape as they approached the issues I wanted to reach into, to explore, and mostly to play with. To coincide with this, I was reading more and I was gradually finding ideas and ways of toying with words as I tried to nudge and mould them into the meaning I wanted them to form. Even more so, the single page extended to two pages, or even four, but always a full page at the very least. I expanded and started to type episodes which I wanted to reflect on into my ipad, and soon I started to have other ideas related to my EdD but which I could write about in a voice which mattered to me. It felt that I could talk out ideas again and not wait for them to break ground like some kind of feeble seedling which could be trampled on or washed away as easily as it could grow freely into a tree. I think that is what brings me to where I am right now, as I try to finish my update, or at least warily approach the tentative conclusion.

This morning after I tied my shoes and pulled my cap over my head, I left my home and took the lift downstairs. As I walked out, I browsed Instagram and its algorithm presented me with a reel by a cognitive behavioural therapist who posts short tips and explainers about how to overcome daily challenges (Follow her on Instagram @mindviewcliniccbt. I find her words helpful and she gives practical advice that is relevant to me, so I watched the video. I have not mentioned it in this update but things have been emotionally tough moving to Korea, finishing the doctorate, adapting to new jobs, and the general life changing lack of certainly caused by Covid-19, and behaviours of mine have become exaggerated. I exhibit signs of anxiety as well of having low moods, among other challenges. In the post I watched, the lady spoke about how to begin to overcome difficulties by thinking back to a time when you did not feel this way, and try to remember what it was you did then which helped you feel differently. Sometimes, it was explained, that because of whatever reasons we can deprive ourselves of things which we felt were important, and by important this would mean important to us. By bringing in the things which once gave us joy or value we can slowly build back our sense of self.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sharon Clernon | Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (@mindviewcliniccbt)

If you’re on the gram, you can watch it there, I think

This clicked quite neatly with the tips I had taken from Atomic Habits. I came to a quick realisation that I had, perhaps accidentally but with the help of some thinking and reading, reached a better place by slowly engaging with actions or behaviours which had been of importance to me. The place I’ve found myself is now which sees me trying to rediscover myself a little bit so that I can be more like the individual I felt comfortable with before. As the reel said, these steps are just ways to begin to improve your mood, but I see them as wholly possible and realistic.

With that in mind, it is quite possible that you may read more blogposts in the coming future.

Writing and Reflection – EdD year 6 and counting

When I first started writing this blog over ten years ago, my initial intent was to use the space to help me practice writing frequently and purposefully. It was an opportunity to target my writing on topics I thought were interesting – initially with a pseudo-intellectual angle but later it developed its own personality. At its high point I think I was posting more than an article a week, and on a good day my blog gained over 300 views. In blogging terms, that’s quite small but to me it mattered, and I feel that’s what is important. The writing had purpose, direction, and ownership, as good writing arguably should have. This writing encouraged me to write beyond these pages, and even drove me to consider greater things.

Over the past few years, the blog has not won as much attention from me. There could be a range of excuses for this but they are really only relevant to me. I’m a bit cautious of doing the whole ‘I’m sorry I haven’t posted in [checks blog] two years’, because I’m not actually sorry. Also, if you check artist Cory Arkangel’s project Sorry I haven’t posted you can get an idea of the pit of cliché one could find themselves in.

One thing I think about with this blog and blogs in general is do people even read them anymore – when I first started writing there was youtube and bit of twitter, and maybe podcasts were starting to take off. Now the range of media options seems endless and even choosing the right platform to put writing on seems to be a dilemma in its own right. Coming back to this blog, I want to talk about the reason I’m posting today and this is using it to try to build confidence as a writer through reflection on my academic writing as part of my ongoing Doctor of Education.

The academic writing process – dissertation level

For the past number of years, I’ve been doing my EdD with University of Glasgow. The first number of years presented their own challenges, but since 2018 or 2019 it has really been relentless as a challenge. While the process itself is difficult, the individual in question (me) has battled endlessly with the need to focus and to meet the targets set as part of the course. While there are practical issues which have been important, many aspects of the modules I worked on required quite abstract thinking and theorising, and my brain really struggled to do. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend this. In the end I needed quite a lot of scaffolding and support from my tutors, and I was very fortunate that they were both patient and objective.

In between forays into rewrites and resubmissions was a constant wait for the next step or stage. You write, you submit, you wait. You wait a little longer, and then you get a response (be it a grade or feedback or similar), and then you either write again or wait some more. Sometimes when writing from a position where my work was deemed to lack the high standards expected from the programme, it felt like I was writing blindly. This lack of vision is always present, but when my initial journey was unsuccessful (shall we say) I was more conscious of the perils ahead and wrote more cautiously with fear that it might be wrong. Of course, academic writing requires that kind of caution in writing as you need to be conscious that every angle explored is addressed and supported appropriately. It is arduous but the rigour is necessary as there are many ideas and as much research on these topics floating around and backing up what you’re thinking lends to the authority of your own ideas. It also encourages your individuality as a writer and thinker.

Depending on your successes at this, it can influence your confidence and how you think about your ability. It goes far beyond thinking of something and then putting them down in a word document. In its own way, getting beyond this learning curve is like crossing the horizon – you can never really be sure you’ve done it until you meet some point where you absent-mindedly realise ‘oh, I’ve done it’. And then ask ‘now what do I do?’, and that’s often a bit daunting.

Writing at the moment is not an easy thing because it has consumed me – both when I’m writing and I can’t choose the right way to start a sentence or something. And when I’m not at my computer, even in the supermarket or bringing kids to school.

Should be https://t.co/6X9dYVkA2Y pic.twitter.com/M0OGz8AyV2

— PHD Comics (@PHDcomics) April 19, 2018

It’s a confidence thing, as the more delays I’ve faced and the more downtime and uncertainty I’ve tried to navigate, has drawn me further from my project and left me confused. Indeed, I even think that the longer I’ve sat away from the practice of writing for this dissertation the harder it has been to return to the way in which I should be thinking. When I can’t write – and there have been many reasons over the past 18 months – returning guiltily to the neglected word document of my draft is not easy. An apology to what I should be doing does not suffice as it is one of those things the only person who deserves an apology is me.

Reflecting on this process

I’ve tried to write here as a process of reflection. A lot of things have gone on in my life, especially with Covid obviously, but also with my study, job(s), professional and personal growth, and with my family. Things change all the time, and while the progress has been slow in my study if I look back where I was some time back it could be valued as good progress. I try to tell people who struggle with language that they should not worry – we are all on the same journey, it’s just that others are at different points, but we will all get where we need to be eventually. I could apply this to my own situation, but I also have a deadline to meet.

Reflection works for me here as so much water has passed under the bridge, and the time has come for me to assess where I stand. I feel distant from the project I’m working on, but this shouldn’t be the case because it is my project with my ideas, research, and input. I need to try to understand what I am doing. It is also only really me who knows what I want it to look like and crafting it to this desired shape when parts won’t stick together or even fall off entirely needs a lot of rethinking, re-evaluating, revisualising. I hope for me that this blog will help me to get through part of this process.

Thanks for reading.

The Admitted Perils of Academic Writing

At the two year milestone of my five year Doctor of Education I thought I’d take the time to return to this blog to talk a little about how it’s going and how it has helped and/or hindered my writing. I often look to this very blog as a great influence for becoming a more prolific, and in that sense a better writer. It was the encouragement I got online that drove me forward and which later saw me getting both non-fiction and journalism published, but also my poetry and some stories. It is also part of the reason that I felt that writing would not be such a chore while working towards my doctorate over five years.

It has been a long time thought since I’ve written any journalistic articles or poetry, which I suppose is a bit of a shame. There has also been the minor matter of having to complete a bucket or two full of reading for two large essays, as well as other activities, twice a year for my course. The course, above all, is mentally taxing, and with my kids keeping me extra busy, the joys of sitting down throwing out a thousand words appear to have vanished in the ether.

Writing academically is certainly very different. Even for all the criticisms writing academically may receive, and they are ample, I’m going to give you some feedback based on how I feel and what I understand about writing has changed.

1. Every word matters

When you have a wordcount to fit a very complex argument into, this goes without saying. Beyond that words go even further to determine how we are understood. Agonising over phrasing is not something that only creative writers shed tears over. Individual words mean specific things and how we say things bears connotations. Shift + F7 really doesn’t find the right answers and even if it is the right word, it’s likely that in review someone will find a more appropriate word. Accuracy seems to be king and striving for perfection seems to make the world, at least when writing academic pieces. What is said and how it is done so seems to carry greater weight than ever, and even then the accuracy may be left wanting.

2. Your opinion hardly matters

Don’t take this too hard, because I’m listening, really, but it’s just that regardless of what you’re saying I just prefer what that other person is saying. But hey, it’s ok, thanks for trying and maybe next time I’ll pick up something you wrote. Such is the way that I think dialogue surrounds the world of academic writing.

For the hours that people probably spend devoted to the work they are experts in, become respected and become sought after and respected and all those other positive word, it may be the case that there are as many people who discount your findings or hard work because of some fickle reason. The hours spent crafting are a labour of love, but this love does not appear to be reciprocal.

3. Does being a good writer matter?

It is an answer which I thought would carry me through many of the hurdles this process is presenting to me. I thought that, as a strength, it would single me out advantageously. And perhaps it will do so, but only after much more time working and crafting the way that I write. I was kind of scuppered some months back as I was hauled in as the quality of my writing was put to task. It was not said that how I wrote was bad or good or anything like that. Essentially, I was told that my writing was wrong. I’d never really considered writing as ever being that way.

The rebellious part of me wanted to raise the middle finger and carry on attempting to break the system. This part of me huffed and puffed and spat and cursed, but to what end? It struck me as things were explained to me that the content was what mattered, and not the style, as the primary function of writing in an academic setting. Style, it would appear, is secondary, and a product of the labours of accurate graft.

Don’t get me wrong: it is very important to be able to write well, but well is defined as being concise, clearly, and highly organised, often with the choice of particular words agonised over. Not, as is my wont, a glorious fluent adjective laden cavalcade of English whisking the reader away on a personal narrative of insight and romance. No.

4. What’s in a comma?

Following on from previous points, the individual functions and purposes of different elements of writing count. They are tied in, not only with style, but also more than I have felt before. The comma, for example, all but a simple short tick downward at the heel of a word can carry the meaning of a sentence, and with that it can carry the meaning of a paragraph, and perhaps it could disjoint the meaning of 1000 words. Placement is as important as non-placement, and perhaps you should really think about why are there so many commas and no full stops. The comma is a vital piece of punctuation that should be considered superior in the crafting of any written piece, but in an academic essay it becomes something far more sophisticated and which has a particularity that not only controls what and how we say, but what do we actually mean when we write words. This is a message which concerns every single utterance from the keyboard, and while the comma is of course a significant example to

5. There is no such thing as a final draft

I say this with a pinch of salt. Of course everything must be completed and submitted with a sense of finality. It takes a brave writer to say anything they’ve written is complete, regardless of genre, but the more I write the more errors I find, the more I discover passages that needs rewriting. On top of this personal reflection it appears that even the realm of academic writing purposefully seeks out reasons for further drafts to be completed.

Do not get me mistaken with someone who does not appreciate the necessity for new drafts or a significant review. We are all constantly striving to improve our writing to reach the highest standard, but sometimes reaching an agreeable standard may be the most difficult task of all.

Personally, I have found that I have had to change not only the ay in which I write, but also the style of my writing. Gone, I hope from an academic perspective at least, are the long winding and circuitous prose-like sentences of my former self. Now, brevity is king, but a frequently flexible ruler I should emphasise. I am no longer an expert and my opinion now counts for very little, and the quality of my craft once lauded for its finesse has been turned on its head by those who simply know so much more about the game I am trying to play. What I am trying to say here is that I have tried to be myself and found this coming up short and that a new writer needs to be found from somewhere within, if such a thing is possible.

So that is that. Academic writing has been me and it is where I have been. I am, more than ever, learning a new game and it is far from what I thought I was capable of. Probably I look at this as one of the biggest lessons I will learn, as I have been turned inside out a little, and I have had my confidence taken out, turned upside down and given a good shaking. What is left in my pockets is small change and probably a dirty tissue and a few receipts (what’s new?). I have to make do with this and what remains stuck to my bones. If that is possible, then I will do so. Until then, I had better go and catch up with some reading I should be doing. Education waits for no man, or woman.

 

P.S. To spite the system I am slowly being engulfed by I am avoiding a thorough review of this article in the hope that my genius shines through, spelling mistakes or no.

Dandelion Land

The green that creeps from beneath is a steady process. Warming the eyes along with the flawless blue of the sky with its cotton wool clouds. Blue and green, that is spring for me. It is without saying a relief to welcome the colourisation of the country after the death of everything in winter.

I can’t say that I would like spring as much as I did if I didn’t dislike winter. When I was in Korea it was the dry and arid air, the biting cold winds, and the white bright sunlight pitching rays constantly. Winter in Korea is a time when snow storms were a relief from the constant squinting.

For my first winter in Ireland I expected the long days of wind and rain, a grey and lifeless landscape, and the damp that seems to find everywhere. But it was the darkness which caught me off guard. The sun setting at four o’clock in the afternoon swallowed the evening in absolute night, and leaving myself, Herself, and +1 staring at each other at home, expecting something to happen.

Much like Korea, Ireland’s winter swallows up all the visible life. But for the crows hovering overhead, perfectly silhouetted in any weather but more so in the overcast of December and January, little signs of life persist. Waiting for the world to awaken after winter follows a similar pattern in Ireland and Korea. Snowdrops show first, white exaggerated in the damp mud of flowerbeds. Then the shoots of daffodils break through the earth.

In Korea at this time of year you can’t take a step left or right without seeing a cherry blossom tree blooming. Even in the most sun deprived thoroughfare hectic with traffic, a much desiccated looking tree will be blooming as resplendently as its excessively pruned bows will allow. I’ve always thought it to be a bit over the top.

Yet a few weeks ago I was driving into Dublin’s city centre and at Cabra Cross, just by the McDonalds and Tesco the traffic stopped. This is one of Dublin’s less dynamic traffic spots, and it certainly is not an attractive part of the city – but let’s not be too harsh as there are worse place to be stuck in traffic. I looked out the window, and much like those very deprived looking cherry blossoms, at the base of a tree were some frail and gutter mud splattered daffodils, attempting to be as resplendent as their situation allowed.

 

Now the daffodils are slowly dying off, but the trees have gradually been warming our eyes as first the hedges and now the trees start to green with spring. It’s not long after this that the dandelions come out, yellowing in a peppered splay across any grassy patch. A sure sign the warm weather has returned is dandelion seeds tumbling carelessly in the breeze of a sun splashed afternoon.

We call these piss-in-the-beds because if you pick one you will wet the bed, or so we were told as children. But I wonder would the dandelion be as common if it weren’t for children blowing their seeds at every opportunity.

I wake up early most mornings to the new sound of spring, as thousands of different noises come through to my room. Birds singing, mostly, but the leaves rustling in an April gust comes frequently enough. There’s also the silence of morning, something I can’t remember from Korea. Where no noise from the street permeates the walls, and looking out the window all I can do is really imagine the sound.

More so than before I appreciate my new domain in Ireland. The garden, green, and all the other colours it presents, and the breeze and the birds, it’s a long way from my old position watching for glimpses of life on the twentieth floor in Suwon. They are two different places, and nowhere can either be compared. Ask me if I prefer one, I’d probably prefer to not answer that but I would say that I’m happy where I am for now. All I need now is for someone to cut the grass for me…

Trying to Appreciate Time and Effort

I frequently look back on everything I’ve written in this blog and think that it has all been a complete waste of time. I can’t count the amount of words I’ve written, I’m sure there are several books worth, but what is it worth when all it does is sit there waiting to come up in a Google search? This isn’t the first time I’ve had this notion, and for the most part I’ve held on to the blog itself mostly because of nostalgia. Deleting from the record over four years of work just doesn’t seem right to me, but then I wonder again.

What concerns me is what the blog has done to me. Granted I haven’t been writing much here, or indeed anywhere of late, but it has stifled my written output elsewhere. It has always been a distraction, something which I have written on and felt that my need to write something has been quenched. So many times I’ve felt guilty for writing on my blog when I could have sat down and wrote something else, something more challenging, something I would perplex over and frustrate myself trying to find someone to publish it. But this blog’s greatest publishing quandary is coming up with more intuitive tags to lure new readers.

I can’t say I’m not proud of my blog here, but there is a bitter cynical streak in my veins which asks that regardless of what you have written, who is reading it? I’m not suggesting that I want some post to go viral, or that I want to be some class of a power blogger, in the Korean sense. I don’t really think that my opinions are any more valid that anyone else who may have a blog, or indeed anyone who may actually be able to think and act for themselves. I think I just always hoped for more to come of it.

This blog grew from itself. It started slow. It started confused. It had a longwinded and unread infancy, but at some stage around its second birthday I suppose it started to get a little popular. The number of readers managed to regularly peak around fifty a day, and for me this was a success. I felt like it was my duty to write for these people, whoever they were. I don’t know what I was writing about, you can check my archive for that, but I do recall that I was having fun.

It was perhaps that writing that was the most exciting aspect. I learned at that time how to really use the keyboard to my advantage, and I think I actually believed in myself as someone who had the skill to craft a beautiful sentence. As my grandfather might say, it takes a lot of them to fill a pint. Yet, there was something about what I was doing. The more I tried to change and grow as a blogger the better reactions I earned.

One time when I was considering quitting the blog writing thing I opened up a 10 Magazine where I had an article written that month, and in it Ifound that my blog was featured as Blog of the Month. It wasn’t really a major accolade by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt good to get a little recognition from a fellow blogger and blog reader.

I think that every time I half considered quitting blog writing some small thing like this happened and I got a little more impetus to continue writing. I can recall regularly panic writing a blog conclusion with five minutes before a class started, and spending the down time in that class adding the tags and uploading photographs in a frenzy as if the very action of writing could not wait until I got home, or at least back to my office. When the post went out I would then sit back and refresh my blog stats waiting for a spike in views. This kind of recognition was kind of a drug.

Since I’ve been back in Ireland I think my posts just haven’t garnered the half-frenzy of attention I thought they got in Korea. I probably haven’t tried hard enough, but that would imply that I’ve tried to make me blog a success in Ireland. For some reason the blog just doesn’t seem to have the same function here. It is still necessary, but I think it has become more of a personal venting space than anything, and who wants to read that? Maybe I could look for something to talk about more, but I struggle to find that new guile required.

I still believe that without my blog I don’t think I could have been as confident a writer as I am now.

Well, that is a little unfair. I could easily have become as confident if not a more confident writer without this function, but my blog successes have encouraged me to continue trying and to persevere and to understand that you cannot expect success to be immediate. I need to remember this lesson more than ever these days.

But I also strongly believe that it has been a mighty distraction which has blinkered me a lot about my understanding of how writing and the world works. I believe that for some reason it has scuppered many opportunities, but if you asked me what opportunities these are I could not list them.

Now that I say all this I think that the problem is not with my blog and blogging itself, it is my own maturity as a writer and an individual looking for a sense of self when I am feeling quite lost at sea. Perhaps, as I look for a conclusion and an understanding here, I could say that maybe the blog has matured me to expect more from myself and to step beyond my comfort zone and accept new challenges. This is perhaps what I should say, and stop looking for ways to blame my blog for doing nothing but help me know myself a little more.

 

*Don’t worry, this is not the end of my blog, just thinking out loud….AGAIN*